Update-arooni

so, i had my colposcopy a week ago and today is the first time i've felt i could sit and write about it. my wife colleen picked me up from my house at 8am, and we dashed on over to the planned parenthood. we shared a good laugh along the way, as a punked out young man in scrubs pulled up alongside us blasting carrie underwood's "before he cheats." he was then treated to the "wtf?!" stare from us, as well as a ginormous round of laughter resulting in snorting, more laughter, tears, and him getting really angry and zooming away to enjoy his underwood in peace.

we get to the planned parenthood, and because we're early, we catch up in the car a bit before we head in. once inside, they hand me paperwork to fill out. one is a form entitled, "request for surgery."

i would just like it noted that it wasn't ME who requested it.

i was called back fairly quickly (as opposed to my usual 1 hour + wait time.) and they brought me into an exam room. please note that during this procedure, there were several Moments of Escape Fantasies.

as i entered the room, i was greeted with Moment 1. The examining table had the oddest stirrups i had ever seen, and a snaking light attached to it. they were mining deep today, fellas.

i was told i could keep my top on, which was, for some odd reason, rather comforting. i sat there with my little paper hula skirt and stared at all the instruments they had. Moments Number 2-5, my friends.

the doctor came in and started discussing my chart with me, and i almost lost it right there because it was the same doctor who had administered the roughest pap smear i had ever had just a couple of weeks ago. she explained the procedure and had me lay down on the table. turns out, those weird stirrups aren't stirrups, they're leg slingers. you put your knees over them. and they hold your hips in a really awkward position.

they started trying out different sizes of speculums. mass discomfort ensued. when they finally found one that would allow the best view for the microscope (and let me just say, i didn't think they made them that big!) she had to really shove to get it in place. i cried out, and was told i was making a fuss. oh-kay...

so then i start cramping pretty good. she sprays me with a "vinegar/iodine-like solution" and i start to go apeshit. this stuff BURNS. and it caused my cervix to close up and try to run away into my uterus. i shifted, and The Butcher told me to stop shifting. i told her i would try, but she kept moving the speculum up higher or rotating it for a better view. she started scraping, and i started to cry. she got really skeptical and started asking me if things really hurt so bad, and if so, WHERE could it be hurting?

...

yeah.

i tried to stay as still as possible, but then it was time for the biopsies. this giant tool that looked like a dinosaur relative of needle nose pliers went in, and i began to shake and asked for a container to puke in. i was told i was not allowed to puke in this exam room.

....

uh huh.

at this point,i'll admit i was almost TRYING to puke just to give this lady something to actually bitch about. i was being a fairly good patient, but i was in a lot of pain and it was causing me to cry, sweat, shake, flinch, and gag. she asked, exasperated, "do you even WANT me to do this?!"

...let me think. do i actually want you to force things up my hoo-ha? did i even order this surgery? NO, BITCH. i don't believe i do.

at this point, the medical assistant jumped in, trying to soothe me the only way she knew how. "you should only feel some pressure..."

the doctor rolled her eyes. "this is ridiculous." she said. "let's just get this done." and she went at my cervix the way most men go after a good steak dinner.

she called out numbers. "2, 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12." i felt some pressure and release, in addition to the pain, like someone was hole-punching my cervix.

"we're done now. you can stop." said the butcher.

she removed the speculum sloooooowwwwwly. (i just wanted to rip it out.)

then, this maniacal butcher lady pretended to be nice and caring while she explained that i'd need to come back in two weeks, and not to worry, no exams then. she left, and i got dressed and approached the counter. a worker who had been fixing something in the hallway said he'd heard me crying, and did i need help out to my car?

it was sweet, but i just wanted to get the heck out of dodge.

i got my work excuse, and talked my wife (riding on a waaaave of adrenaline!) into taking me to work so i could pick my check up. we got there, and i casually told everyone i saw that i had cervical cancer. they were surprised that i was up and about, and i was just adrenalined out, happy not to have anything in my hoo-ha for a while.

the healing has been slow, i still feel some pain and my hips hurt from the weird stirrupy things. the constant cramping has made me feel nauseous most days, so i've become a tea and rice junkie.

i've also been sleeping a lot, and going to bed early, and small things wear me out pretty fast. i'm not allowed to lift much, so if i go shopping, i have to go with someone. other than that, it's business as usual and i'm back to work. blah. ;p