Insensitive

had my second transfusion yesterday, 2 bags of blood this time. i have one doctor who wants to put me on procrit, but the fda just came out with something saying that cancer related anemia drugs are more harm than good for a cancer patient.

i was told going into this that there would be a point where i would hit a wall. and i think i've hit it. not only physically, although i feel seasick nearly all of the time and a little over half of what i eat usually pays me back within an hour of consumption.

i'm also losing my hair, the bald patches are getting larger and it's all sort of...thinning.

if i thought i could afford a nice wig, i'd probably cut my hair and invest in one, but so far i've been able to get by with a collection of bandanas, scarves, and beanies.

the problem is, my coworkers can't seem to stop themselves from making fun of said headwear. now, i know i work at an elementary school and none of the staff really ever acts their age, but i don't appreciate being told that i look like a thug, or that dude from the simpsons, or whatever other pleasant metaphor they can dig up on a minutes notice. and they all laugh so snidely afterwards, congratulating themselves on their big joke.

the thing is, my cancer is (and has been) no secret. these people know what i'm going through. and though the fact that i'm an adult and should be able to ignore it has been brought up, it's not easy to be that thick skinned when i'm already going through so much.

i struggle with just how vain i am about my hair. i KNOW it's just hair. i KNOW it will grow back. but each time i look in the mirror and see what this disease has done to my body, i have a total "elephant man" moment and want to isolate myself.

i don't like having to cover my head whenever i go out. and it would be nice if some people could look into themselves and figure out a way to be supportive rather than insensitive.